The Deep End
by Delylah
Summary: This is a vignette that takes place sometime shortly after Buffy's death. Spike has been hearing Buffy's voice in his head and carries on conversations with her. It's weird, I know. Especially the end. This is one of the pieces I wrote while trying to


The Deep End  
  
  
By: Delylah  
  
  
Standard disclaimers apply. Spike and Buffy and Dru are owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Fox, WB, etc. I'm simply taking them out of the box to play with. I'll return them in good condition, I promise.  
  
  
This is a vignette that takes place sometime shortly after Buffy's death. Spike has been hearing Buffy's voice in his head and carries on conversations with her. It's weird, I know. Especially the end. This is one of the pieces I wrote while trying to get inside Spike's head for the other story I'm working on, "If You Love Me."  
  
_____  
  
"Really, Spike - what kind of ending were you hoping for?"  
  
She's in my head again - can't get her out, don't even try these days. It bloody hurts too much - like cutting away the festering part of wound in your skin.  
  
"Wasn't hoping for an ending at all, pet. Not really thinking that far ahead - just being here, now, with you."  
  
"But we can't exist outside of time, Spike. Or we couldn't. I guess I don't really exist at all now."  
  
I can her her laughing at that. Pisses me off.  
  
"Stop saying that. If you don't exist then I've finally gone off the deep end and I'm bloody well talking to MYSELF!!"   
  
She didn't reply to that - the litt'l bitch.  
  
"Hell-oo?"  
  
"A vampire and a vampire slayer? What kind of life could there have been for us? It had to end one of two ways - I die, or you die. Guess I'm the lucky one."  
  
"What d'you mean 'what kind of life'? You never stopped to wonder about that when soul-boy was around. Oh, no, didn't hesitate to bat those eyes, swing those hips, spread those -"  
  
"Watch it."  
  
Oh, excuuuse me."  
  
She was silent again. The silence is worse - I'd rather go nuts with her voice resounding in my head than drown in the unbearable silence of her absence. Finally...  
  
"Angel was different."  
  
"So was I."  
  
"Because you had a chip? Something implanted in your head to force you to behave?"  
  
"Hell, girl, what the fuck do you think your conscience is, anyway? It causes you pain when you do bad things. So it's pain of the mental kind rather than physical - what's the bloody difference?"  
  
She was silent again.  
  
"Don't you understand? I loved you. I still love you. The chip just kept me from hurting people. It didn't make me love you, protect you and the Niblet. I could still have fed off of people. Drusilla even offered them to me."  
  
"What stopped you?"  
  
"Her face - she had snapped some girl's neck and thrown her at me - still warm, heart still pumping, the girl barely knew she was dead yet. I caught her. Breathed in deep....can't describe the scent. It's almost like sex, or maybe a really good grilled steak...  
  
"Eeeeew..??"  
  
"Anyway, I felt my face change as I bit into her. Then I looked at Drusilla as she bit into this girl's boyfriend. She looked like an animal. That's when it really hit me - it was like a wolf preying on cattle. It sickened me, even as I drank."  
  
"Does the phrase 'Happy Meals with legs' ring any bells with you?"  
  
I chuckled at that. Wench never forgets anything I've said. Term paper due dates, she couldn't care less about. But let me make one smart-ass comment, and I'll never hear the end of it.  
  
"That was before."  
  
"Before what?"  
  
"Before you. I realized, watching Dru, that was how I looked to you. And it was repulsive. I couldn't stand the thought of you looking at me and being disgusted."  
  
Silent again.  
  
"The night you kissed me - it made having that damned chip worth it. Life is about choices, baby. I chose you. I can't explain why. Maybe I have just as much of a death wish as I've always thought you had. Maybe something in me recognizes a part of myself in you. So I didn't think about tomorrow or tonight or yesterday. Just now. All I think about are these minutes as they are slipping by, and I don't seem to be living unless I'm spending them with you. All the rest is just existence - schlepping along from day to day."  
  
I can feel her looking at me. Nope, no one's there, no voice in my head, but still, I feel her looking at me, wherever she is. Then she says:  
  
"I didn't know."  
  
"Yeah, well I guess I'm fucked. Kind of hard to go back to eating beef when you fell in love with one of the cows."  
  
Suddenly, I can feel her warmth settle over me. I don't know how, or why, but I can, cause I'm a vampire. I'm never warm (except maybe just after I've fed). Somehow she's wrapped herself around me, and I can smell her vanilla perfume. She says nothing at first, then I hear her voice whisper softly in my head...  
  
"Mooooo..."  



End file.
